Writing a condolence letter to a bereaved person, gives you an opportunity to create a lasting memento. It also gives you a means of honoring the memory of the deceased and a chance to offer comfort and hope to survivors. In the age of emails, instant messages, text and social media, we rarely take time to write a personal letter. But when it comes time to write a condolence letter, we must pull out pen and paper and write a heartfelt message.

Our primary focus is on writing a condolence letter. The article will not discuss the grief process. I mention it here to provide a clearer understanding of grief and help you write a sincere and heartfelt letter.

Components of Grief – Once you receive news of death, whether of a loved one, friend or family member, it is hard to escape the feeling of grief that envelops you. Understanding the components of grief will help you to write a sincere and heartfelt condolence letter. Here are some of the components of grief.

1. Shock at the loss
2. Denial that the loss occurred
3. Searching yourself for an answer
4. Bouts of anxiety
5. A bit of sadness
6. A touch of anger
7. Feelings of guilt
8. Preoccupation and forgetfulness
9. Contemplation before accepting the loss
10. Letting go and moving on

Effects of a Condolence Letter on Grief
The grieving person goes through all of the above emotions and more. Your condolence letter will help them get through the various stages and will help them long after the funeral and for months and even years to come. Coming to terms with the death of a loved one is a long slow process so your letter may be appreciated soon after the death and years later as well.

The most important reason for writing a condolence letter is so that the grieving person can read and reread the letter as many times as needed to help them cope with their loss. Realistically, you can’t be there for the survivors every time they need support, but your condolence letter offers comfort even when you can’t be there.

The Seven Parts of a Condolence Letter
A condolence letter can be as long or as short as it needs to be to say what you need it to say. But what should you say in a condolence letter? Here are seven important parts of a condolence letter that will help you organize your thoughts and get your sincere sympathy out on paper.

1. Acknowledging the loss –In the opening sentences of your condolence letter, let the person to whom you were writing know how you heard the news. Use it to express your sadness and dismay about the loss.

2. Express your sympathy. In this next section of your condolence letter, let the person you are writing to know how much you care. How you share in their grief and sorrow. Above all, be honest. If you knew the person, who passed away express your sadness and offer support to the bereaved. Give them comfort, letting him or her know they are not alone during this time.

3. Write about the deceased. Mention things you know of, about the deceased, which brought joy to others. Recount some pleasant experiences with the deceased. Maybe about sports or travel-related. Use humor as you see fit.

If you did not know the deceased personally, you might mention things you heard from others. This gives the bereaved comfort in knowing others appreciated his or her loved one.

4. Talk about memorable occasions involving the deceased. Here you can mention how the deceased had an impact on your life. This could be work-related, school or community events. Add a sense of humor when referring to these events. Remember; laughter is a good medicine and can cure a lot of ills.

5. Talk about the qualities of the person you are writing. In this section of your condolence letter, offer reassurances to the bereaved to help to boost self-confidence. Sharing emotions of grief, anger, sadness, guilt and soul-searching can help to heal. Do not be afraid to mention the person’s strength in overcoming difficult situations in the past. In the letter, reminding the person you are writing to how resilient he or she was in conquering a difficult situation. Grief will not last forever.

6. Make an offer to do something for the bereaved. Most letters of condolence include an offer of assistance. If you feel like assisting, say so. Even if you have no desire to assist, still write a condolence letter. We usually offer our assistance out of courtesy to someone who is grieving. Without thinking, we often we say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do!” You have to realize, this can put pressure on the bereaved to ask for your assistance. It would be better to offer specific assistance, such as picking up the kids from school, answering the phones, greeting people as they visit or helping to sort the letters and card that are coming in. Once you offer your assistance, be sure to keep your promise.

7. The closing. Be thoughtful in how end your condolence letter. It is the last thing the bereaved will read. This is the part of your letter, he or she will remember for a long time. Let your words reflect your true feelings. You could use, “love’, yours truly’,”best regards” or with deepest sympathy. You could choose a condolence phrase from the list below to end your letter.

• May the peace, which comes from the memories of, love shared, comfort you now and in the days ahead.
• May the comfort of God help you during this difficult time.
• We are thinking of you during this difficult time.
• Words seem inadequate to express the sadness we feel.
• Although no words can really help to ease the loss you bear, just know that you are very close in every thought and prayer.
• You have my deepest sympathies on the death of your uncle.
• Oh, heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.
• Our hearts go out to you in your time of sorrow.
• I was deeply saddened to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you.
• I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

It may take some time to write your condolence letter, but it is well worth the effort. You may not ever fully appreciate what your condolence letter can do for someone else until you feel the impact of a loss of a loved one. But know in your heart that your written words can offer the comfort that is often so hard to say.

A condolence letter also is an excellent way to honor and remember the deceased. The process of writing the letter may even help you with your own grieving process and help you come to terms with the loss.

Resource Box:

Melanie Walters recommends ObituariesHelp.org for Condolence Letters, sample letters of sympathy and condolence, written examples of eulogies as well as help with all aspects of funeral planning. Also download free genealogy resources and read about building a family tree.

A condolence letter about the death of a spouse is one of the more difficult condolence letters to write. No one truly knows the relationship between two married people. Writing “I understand how you feel” even if you’ve lost a spouse yourself isn’t always true. Without having been in the relationship yourself, you can’t imagine how the death of a spouse makes the survivor feel. When writing a condolence letter, it’s particularly important to understand how to write it and what to write that will offer comfort and support for the loss of a spouse and this profoundly personal relationship.

“Nothing in life is certain, but death and taxes.” We have heard the phrase repeated many times. We laugh about it; we make fun of the circumstances.” Yet, how many times do we give those words a second thought? We cringe when someone mentions death and hope for a quick end to the conversation. However, when faced with the task of writing a condolence letter, when it’s the death of a spouse, the experience can be crippling.

Think back to your wedding day. You smile and boldly repeat the words, “Until Death Do Us Part.” You say a silent prayer and hope the day never comes. No matter how strong, passionate and comforting your relationship, it is hard to imagine your life with a spouse. But you grow closer and closer until you can’t imagine your life without your spouse. And after their death, it’s even more difficult to imagine living your life without your spouse.

Even in a difficult marriage, losing a spouse is painful. There are feelings of guilt, anger and regret. Guilt for not trying to reconcile before it is too late. Anger that your spouse is gone and regret for the things that were not accomplished.

Understanding what happens when a spouse dies.

Your condolence letter does not have to point all of this out, as a matter of fact it’s better if it doesn’t. But understanding how someone’s life changes after the death of a spouse can make your condolence letter much more powerful and truly supportive to the surviving spouse.

• The life of the surviving spouse changes forever.
• The bond of marriage is broken.
• The burden of coping with household responsibilities is overwhelming
• The work environment can be a place to seek support and comfort and to conceal grief.
• When the spouse dies of a terminal illness the surviving spouse may have reconciled with the inevitabilities of the loss, long before death
• As couples get older, limited resources and failing health only makes life more terrifying.
• Fear and loneliness can cause the loss of the meaning in life. The thought of coping without your partner is unbearable.

The best condolence letters acknowledge the death and how it affected you and also talks about fond memories you had of the deceased. And great condolence letters include words of strength and offer your help with something that the surviving spouse may have difficulty with after the death of their loved one. Perhaps you or someone you know can help prepare taxes, or you can help by doing some household chores that you know the spouse did, like yard work or cooking.
The following are two excellent examples of what to write in a condolence letter for a spouse. You can find more examples online at ObituariesHelp.org.

Sample letters of condolence to use when a spouse dies.

Letter #1

Dear Ted,

It was with a very sad heart that I heard the news just the other day of the passing of your sweet wife and my dear friend, Ellie. Words fail in telling you how badly I feel. I am sure you were aware that I was very fond of Ellie, both as a friend and as a coworker on our many projects.

Ellie was a delightful person in so many ways. I always anticipated with pleasure our working together. She was creative, hard-working and reliable. A real team player. She was funny, too, and that is a priceless commodity when you’re feeling the stress of a deadline.

Although you and I met only rarely, I feel I know you from all the little stories Ellie use to share over coffee breaks. She never had anything but happy things to say about her life with you and the kids. Last spring, she brought in pictures from a trip to Vermont, and she just lit up as she described your tobogganing with the children. She loves you very much.

My children and I are smoking a couple of hams and will bring one over when it is done just right. In the meantime, my sincere condolences to you and the whole family on your great loss.

Letter #2

Dear Margaret,

This morning, when Susan told me to knows about your darling Jim I sat down and wept. While his lost was not unexpected, I still felt a wave of disbelief. I am so sorry.

Jim was such a gifted man: in his profession, his wood carving, in his family and friends and in his readiness to share his thoughts and feelings.

The last time we spoke, just before the reunion, I asked if he felt his illness was affecting the way he looked at life. He didn’t brush me off or avoid the issue in any way – that wasn’t Jim’s style – instead he paused, reflected for a moment, and said, “It seems the world is topsy-turvy; so many of the little things I used to feel were important have just fallen away while many of the small moments that I once took for granted are incredibly precious .” You came up at just at that moment with a cool drink and a warm smile. As you walked away Jim grinned and said, “See that? That’s one of those precious moments.

I can only imagine how deeply you feel this loss, Margaret, but you can take solace in all the loving ways you cared for Jim – not just in his last illness, but through a long and happy marriage. He could always count on your support as he tackled new challenges, and he respected your opinion immensely. You two were partners in a way it seems few married people are these days. Now it will be your challenge to take the same strength of character and good sense that you shared with your husband and direct it toward your own rich life. Your friends may never “match” you in the way Jim did. But they love you and respect you and are there to help you in any way they can.

Count on me, will you? I’ll drop by in the next couple of days to see if there’s anything I can do to help… I’ll call first. In the meanwhile, take very good care of yourself.

Condolence Letters Online

These are just two examples of condolence letters. At ObituariesHelp.org you’ll find shorter and longer condolence letters with specific examples for your situation. If you knew the spouse well, in some ways it will be more difficult to write your condolences. In other ways it will be easier because you knew the person. If you did not know the spouse, you can still write about how you knew the person and how their death will affect you as well as offer your support and help. In any case, expressing your sympathy in a condolence letter is always appropriate and appreciated.

Resource Box:

Melanie Walters recommends ObituariesHelp.org for Condolence Letters, sample letters of sympathy and condolence, written examples of eulogies as well as help with all aspects of funeral planning. Also download free genealogy resources and read about building a family tree.

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